


i'm not angry anymore (well, sometimes i am)

by grantwater



Category: Dead to Me
Genre: F/F, alternate 1x10 and what happens afterwards, and mention of homophobic slurs (bc steve is an asshole), i'll make this better i promise, j&j might fight steve, will have some violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:48:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27038995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grantwater/pseuds/grantwater
Summary: "Judy? I need you to come home.""And you might want to hurry sweetheart, this is time sensitive."Alternate 1x10 ending and the aftermath, while still somewhat following the canon for season 2
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 6
Kudos: 52





	1. one

_ It’s dark _ , Judy notices.  _ Darker than the night I killed Jen’s husband. _

She’s walking along that same stretch of road now, occasionally drinking from whatever liquor she grabbed from her old room at the senior center while she was at work. Truthfully, she doesn’t really know why she came out this way, it happened almost on instinct. Her heels and the alcohol in her system allow for quite the tumbling act on the grass next to the ever winding road to her left. And before she knows it, Judy is staring at the memorial for Ted Harding, the memorial created because of her actions. She pauses, feeling a buzz in her pocket, and pulls out her phone to see who could possibly be calling her; she lost everyone in her life that matters, after all. When she sees Steve’s name on the screen, she declines the call, turning back to look at the various albums and music memorabilia laid at Ted’s final resting place. Tears spring into her eyes, knowing that she’s responsible for everything. She’s the reason Jen lost her husband, the boys lost their father. Jen was right, she was a fucking sociopath. No sane person kills a man and then befriends his widow and her kids. No stable person would have even kept the secret in the first place, everything else was just icing on the cake. 

The worst part of it all was how attached she’d grown to Jen and the boys. Both women had agreed that Judy was a part of the family, but that was before she’d admitted to killing her best friend’s husband. Now Judy would never have a chance at motherhood, at making up for all the bad she did to their family. That’s all she wanted to do: right the wrongs she’d created, and falling head over heels for the Hardings was just an added bonus, she supposed. 

Judy turns, seeing headlights coming up the far stretch of road.  _ You can die _ . Jen’s words echo through her fuzzy brain, and taking a breath, Judy steps onto the concrete, walking forward to the middle of the road. If this is what it takes to make Jen finally forgive her, she’s willing to do anything. The car is getting closer now, Judy hears, and she closes her eyes, ready for her well-deserved demise. As she takes her final breath, she pictures Jen, smiling at her with a glass of wine in her hand, her blue eyes shining with happiness as they laugh over old Facts of Life reruns together. That’s the last thing she wants to see before she dies. 

But the car never hits her. The brakes slam just inches from her body, the driver slamming on the horn and screaming obscenities at the shaking woman. Judy opens her eyes, squinting at the brightness of the headlights, and stumbles back, mumbling a sorry as she does so. She feels a buzz from her pocket again, and reaches for her phone as the car speeds away. Her eyes widen at the name on the screen, and she does her best to steady her hands as she brings the phone to her ear. 

“Hello?” 

“Judy,” Jen’s voice is shaking. “I need you to come home.”

“And you might want to hurry, sweetheart.” Judy stiffens, hearing Steve’s voice near the phone. “This is time sensitive.”


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But I swear to God, if you hurt Jen I'll fucking kill you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for violence, mentions of abuse, and homophobic slurs

Judy gets home in record time, not even sure how she really got there. But she sees Steve’s car parked across the street and the backyard gate is open, so she rushes through the fence, fear gripping her entire body. Steve had only laid hands on her once, but when he did she had to hide the bruises for a week. He never was good at controlling his temper, but he’d also never been outed for money laundering by his fiance, so Judy knew that nothing happening tonight would be good. Blood would be spilled; she just didn’t know who’s. 

“It’s about time you showed up, sweetheart,” Judy looks up, and Steve is there, standing just behind Jen. The blonde looks up, and Judy gasps. The front strands of her hair are caked with blood, a deep cut bleeding on her forehead. Her lip is swollen, too, but Jen’s eyes still light up seeing her. Judy lets out a breath, the whisper of Jen’s name falling from her lips, and takes a step forward. “Ah, you stay right there,” Steve mutters, and from behind Jen he lifts his hand, revealing a small revolver that was undeniably pressed against Jen’s back just moments before.

“Ok, ok,” Judy stops, holding her hands up in defense. Her eyes dart between Jen and Steve, making sure that she can see both of Steve’s hands. The gun is pointed towards her, but his other remains on Jen’s shoulder, his fingers digging in as he steadies himself. Judy takes a moment to study the man in front of her: he still looks put together, save for the blood on his knuckles, his suit looking like it was fresh from the cleaners. The only thing that would point to something being amiss was his eyes, the once calm blue now a dark storm of rage and anger. “I know you’re here for me, so just let Jen go,” Judy begins, hands still up at her sides, “she was never a part of this, she doesn’t know.”

“Bullshit, Judy!” Steve shouts, causing both women to wince. His voice is laced with such malice, it’s practically dripping. “She told me you confessed to the hit and run. There’s no way you never told her about the money.” He’s shaking Jen with every word, and Judy can only watch, knowing that any movement would make him even angrier. “We were gonna be fine, Judy! The car was gone, the cops were off our trail, no one even knew about the fucking money. You just had to go and fuck everything up, per usual.” Tears fill Judy’s eyes, knowing deep down that he was right. Judy was the only reason any of this was happening. If she’d just kept her mouth shut like she did best, she would be safe. Her family would be safe. 

“I already told you, I don’t know what fucking money you’re talking about,” The other two turn their attention to Jen, who has just finally spoken since Judy arrived. Her voice is raspy, like it got when she cried after drinking too much, Judy notes, and it’s only then she sees the beginnings of bruising on her neck. 

“See, Steve? I swear, I never told her. All I said was about the car, I never even told her you were there!” Judy pleads, daring to take a small step forward. Steve holds the gun tighter in his grip when she does. “Please, just let her go. We can leave, you can do whatever you want to me, just don’t hurt Jen. Let her go.”

Steve laughs, and it feels so loud in the darkness around them. “You really think I’m gonna let either of you go now? Even if she didn’t know before she knows now, you’re both a threat. One that I’ll take care of right fucking now,” He cocks the gun, and then puts it against Jen’s temple. She catches Judy’s eye, and Judy wants to cry, she’s never seen Jen scared before. 

“Steve, please.” Another step forward. “You’re right, this was all my fault, ok? It’s my fault we’re all even in this situation in the first place.” Another step. Her eyes are moving quickly, from Jen to the gun to Steve, and back to Jen again. She’s doing her best to suss out the situation, wondering how close she could get before Steve pulls the trigger. If she could convince him to pull it on her instead. “But I swear to God, if you hurt Jen, I’ll fucking kill you.”

“Oh fucking really bitch?” He sounds incredulous, the laughter in the question calling her bluff with each syllable. “You were sick for weeks after you hit her husband, you really think you have it in you to kill me? You’d probably just kill yourself right after, fucking mental bitch.” She flinches, and Jen looks up at her. Deep down Judy knows that he’s right, she couldn’t get out of bed for a week after the accident, and then she was vomiting a few times a day once she could get up again. But Jen is more important than that. Jen is more important than anything, and she couldn’t hurt this family any more than she already had. 

Judy’s less than a foot away from them now, her slow steps allowing for this small upper hand she now had. “I would do anything to keep Jen safe,” she says softly, and Steve tilts his head, confusing morphing his features. She steps closer again, and he smiles, slowly. 

“You really do love her, don’t you?”

Judy freezes. 

“Not even as a friend. You love her like you loved me. Willing to do anything that would make her happy, even if it means fucking killing yourself. All because you want the validation, the feeling of being loved back.” Judy closes her eyes, but she can feel Jen’s gaze burning into her as Steve speaks. “You kill her fucking husband, and then you fall in love with her. Damn, you really are crazy.” And he fucking laughs again, and Judy’s shaking, with rage or embarrassment but she doesn’t care which. And before she knows what she’s doing, she lunges forward, and Jen ducks, and then Judy has Steve pinned to the ground, knocking the gun out of his hand towards the pool. 

She’s screaming, and her fists are coming down on Steve like bullets, but he’s wearing kevlar and within a few seconds the positions are reversed, and he has her down by the throat. Judy cries out, the pain immediate, and as hard as she tries to fight against Steve her vision is going black, and she doesn’t know how much longer she has before she’s out cold. All she can hope is that Jen is safe, that she got the boys and ran like hell out of there. Her body slowly starts going numb, and her arms fall to her sides as Steve’s grip leads her to oblivion. He’s looming over her, his smile sickening as he chokes her. 

But feeling starts coming back to her limbs, and the black spots in her vision slowly go away. Judy chokes out a few breaths, and turns her head, seeing that Jen had hit Steve in the head with the butt of the gun. He’s dazed on the ground next to her, and Jen is standing over both of them, heaving with the exertion of her already exhausted body. Jen’s looking down at Steve, who’s holding the back of his head, blood pouring from between his fingers. And then she turns to Judy. 

“Are you ok?” Jen leans down next to the brunette, supporting her neck as she slowly sits up on the grass. Her hands are everywhere, running over her face, her neck, anything she can touch. Judy reaches her shaking hand up and grips Jen’s bicep, squeezing it in hopes that Jen will understand. She’s barely breathing right now, still dizzy from Steve’s assault, so she’s praying that Jen can tell that she’s at least lucid enough to know what the blonde is saying.

But Jen is ripped away, so suddenly that it takes Judy a second to even notice she’s gone. She blinks, and Steve has Jen by the hair, pulling her towards the pool. The other woman is kicking, screaming, doing whatever she can do to get Steve off of her, and Judy panics, starts crawling towards the two as fast as she can. 

“You fucking dykes really thought you could play me?” Steve screams as he’s dragging Jen closer and closer to the water. Judy finally manages to stand, still tripping over her heels thanks to the alcohol and adrenaline running her body. She looks around, frantic, trying her best to find anything to get Jen out of Steve’s grasp. The world is spinning, and she can’t seem to fucking find something, anything that could help her; the gun disappeared into the night somewhere down the yard. Steve has Jen at the pool when she finally spots the little bird she’d given to Henry for his confirmation next to the chair Jen was on when she’d arrived. Judy acts on instinct, grabbing the front of the statue and rushing over to the pair just as Steve lifts Jen up by her hair, holding her over the pool and hissing out “I’ll make you two wish you’d never met, that you were never even born.”

It gets quiet, then. Quiet, and a splash as a body falls into the pool. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh! i've never really written anything like this before, so let me know your thoughts! thank you so much for reading!


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Fuck! Fuck, I fucking hate doing this. I can't do this. I can't do this."  
> "Eggs are ready!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not me updating this after four months of leaving it dormant
> 
> I've had this written since I last posted but just let it sit and kinda forgot about it, hopefully it still holds up, and I apologize for the delay. I might leave this fic if I can't get anymore ideas, thats the whole reason it's been sitting here without updates. But there might be some Criminal Minds stuff popping up soon, and I might post some old OUAT fic from my old ff.net account just so this account stays active. 
> 
> Let me know what ya'll think :)

“Fuck! Fuck, I fucking hate doing this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”

“Eggs are ready!” 

Jen and Judy are dancing around each other in a perfectly choreographed routine, but they’re shaking too much to actually dance. Judy smells burnt toast, and slides the egg she just cooked onto the ground instead of the plate in front of her. 

Neither of them had slept last night, not after Steve had fallen into the pool, his blood staining the water red. Judy just knew she would never get the metallic smell of his blood mixed with bleach and pool cleaner out of her nose. 

_ “What do we do?” Jen whispered, rubbing at the nape of her neck. Judy looked over at her, still trying to understand what had just happened between them. Blood covered both of their hands, some parts of their clothes, too. Jen looked back at her, their eyes finally meeting for the first time since Judy had arrived. In unison, they turned back to the pool, silently observing Steve’s floating body. The blood around his head looked like a cloud in the water, almost as if he was dreaming.  _

“Judy’s back!” The brunette snaps her head up, finding Henry running towards her with a smile breaking his face. He crashes into her for a hug, and Judy could cry (she doesn’t know if it’s from happiness or the bruises Steve’s knee left in her ribcage last night) as she hugs him back, running her hands through his mess of curls. Henry almost immediately starts rambling about his confirmation, and the project he has for school, but his excitement is cut short when Charlie makes his way into the kitchen. 

“What the hell happened to you two?” He shouts, and the pair locks eyes. 

_ “This might sting a little bit,” Judy warns, taking an alcohol swab to the cut on Jen’s forehead. The blonde winces, and Judy furrows her brow in concentration and remorse. They’re sitting on Jen’s bed, Judy straddling the other woman’s hips. Jen’s hands are resting casually on Judy’s hips, and the brunette bites her lip when Jen’s nails dig into her waist as she cleans the wound. “Luckily the cut isn’t as deep as I thought it was, so you shouldn’t even need stitches.” Jen lets out a bitter laugh, almost a cough as she looks up at Judy.  _

_ “How do you know how to do this anyways?” She asks, and Judy’s face softens.  _

_ “When I was younger my mom had some bad boyfriends, and she was always too high to clean herself up so I had to learn.” Jen goes quiet, and Judy looks down at her with a smile. “It’s alright, really, it’s super useful to know just in case anyone ever gets hurt.” A pause, and Judy adds dryly “I’m a godsend on hikes.” _

_ Jen’s laugh is an orchestra to Judy’s ears.  _

“I had too much wine last night, and I called Judy for some help,” Jen lies quickly, and Judy knows how much she must hate this. It’s obvious enough in her eyes. “She was helping me back in from the backyard and I tripped, it took us both down.” Judy absentmindedly runs her hand over her throat, praying that Jen’s concealer has done enough to cover the finger-sized bruises that make a most delicate necklace around her throat. Charlie’s eyes shift between the two women, and Judy feels his accusatory stare deep in her soul. He didn’t even know Steve, but the way his eyes dig into hers makes her feel like he’s known everything from the moment she first had dinner with them.

He turns his eyes back to his mother, and Judy quietly lets out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding in. “I thought you said Judy wasn’t gonna be in our lives anymore?” Judy too, turns her focus to the blonde beside her. She’s scrambling, Judy can tell, the lack of sleep and raging headaches clouding both of their minds.

“I just had to get my things,” Judy interjects quickly. “I stayed over to help your mom, and I realized that I left so quickly that I left some of my stuff in the guest house.” Charlie looks at her, practically glaring, trying to decide whether or not he wants to believe her. Apparently it works, because he quickly starts talking about his friends getting cars and starting to drive, and Jen starts yelling at him about how he won’t be driving anytime soon, and Judy relishes in the normalcy of the morning; it’s almost like she’s just come in from another night at the guest house, and her and Jen will be going grocery shopping later. But she knows that’s never going to happen again, not after last night. 

“Where are all of my things?” Judy asks quietly, helping Jen as they prepare lunch for the boys. 

“I burned them.”

“Even my paintings?”

“Look, I was angry, and there were only like, two.”

It’s almost normal. 

.

.

Judy knows she probably should’ve told Jen about Ben, but the thought never really crossed her mind, if she were being honest with herself. 

She also should’ve told her about telling the FBI about Steve’s money laundering, but that too never really crossed her mind. Besides, she’d already had to explain a lot of that to Jen after the incident, so she basically already knew. 

Judy’s lying in the guest house one night, after helping dad-bird out of the garage, but she knows sleep won’t come tonight. She’s having an even harder time sleeping than before, knowing that just a few feet outside of that door she helped murder the man she once loved. 

She sits up in her bed, looking over at the clock on her nightstand.  _ 2:37 _ . Her and Jen had just said goodnight only an hour ago, after staying up crying and demolishing a bottle and a half of wine. It would be stupid to text her and see if she were awake, she thinks, Jen was practically asleep on the couch before they both decided to turn in for the night. So instead she stands, grabbing her kimono and wrapping it tightly around herself; it’s chilly for this time of year, and the typical shorts and tank top combo she sports are doing little to keep her warm. The brunette begins to pace, unable to think of anything else she could do to pass the time. 

Judy’s walked the length of the guest house at least 10 times when she finally notices the light turn on in Jen’s room. 

Her phone lights up a moment later, and she picks it up, already knowing what’s going to be on the screen. 

_ Are you awake? Can’t sleep. _

_ ill b up in a minute <3 _

They haven’t discussed what Steve said that night, Judy almost acting as if he hadn’t said what she’d been thinking for months. 

When they fall asleep that night, Judy holds Jen too close for anything to be a secret. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I'll have the next chapter up within a day or so, I just need to tweak some things. It does get a little more intense from here, but it won't last too long. Let me know what you guys think!


End file.
